I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
