I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
