I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
