I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
