I wish my penis had an off switch
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
