you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
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