Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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