She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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