Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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