You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Enjoy the penises
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
