last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
