she is the kim kardashian of front butts
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
