I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
He passed out mid-signature
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
