Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
