Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
