I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
