My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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