his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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