Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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