Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
