I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
