toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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