I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize