Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
