Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
