I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
