I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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