WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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