She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
