i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
