I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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