Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
