i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
