I met the friendliest cop last night
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
