i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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