a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm too high and old for this...
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
