Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
