u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Randomize
