Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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