Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
