he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
