I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
either way he was missing a nipple.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
