Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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