god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
