Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
