I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
