I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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