just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
