Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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