i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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