If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
