Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
