Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
