ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
